Unveiling

In September 2019, the moment of no return came, the moment when the way it was before my life never would be again.... I got very sick. The darkest days and years of my Soul have come.

A "trip" to all Kyiv hospitals, traditional and non-traditional medicine weakened me even more and put me in a state of depression. During that period, I became a biohacker. I conducted experiments on my body together with doctors. Often we used methods that were allowed in Ukraine but were not recognized or even prohibited in the EU, especially in Germany. My last experiment was in a private clinic in Kyiv, which was opened specially for foreigners, their website was in English and the price list was in US dollars. The clinic was not just too futuristic, like in movies about the future, it was hypnotic: all the doctors were the same, all the doors were the same, all the corridors were the same, everything was bright white and the doctors spoke with a certain timbre and with certain intonations, so to affect you, like hypnosis. It was not possible to get into this hospital on your own, only by recommendation or if you were a foreigner. I was already thinking about how I would take a loan at work for this treatment. In a phone conversation, my relative said: "What this clinic does is prohibited in Germany, and the way they do it is considered unethical in the EU". But that didn't stop me. I wanted to live. The last point was the information with the links that the German Charité filed several lawsuits against them for fraud. That stopped me. At that moment, I stopped looking for hospitals and going to doctors, I was very tired. The side effects from the strong medication I took for quite a long time still beat me and influence my health.

At that moment, all pillars, as well as the foundation, collapsed simultaneously.

My whole life was based on external pillars, indicators, and values. And then everything collapsed, as if a tsunami wave swept it all away, leaving nothing. For a very long time, I convulsively held on to those pillars that had long since disappeared, and I could not let them go, convulsively squeezing and trying to return everything, to return to the way it was before... It felt like a complete emptiness. It was frightening, raising from the depths all the fears that a person could only imagine. I didn't know what to do and how to behave, how to live, there was nothing to hold on to, it seemed that life did not just stop, but a complete apocalypse came and I found myself somewhere between worlds. So I began to build my internal pillars step by step, which were in no way connected to the external environment, the external world, and external circumstances.

One day I couldn't get out of bed.... All the muscles were gone. They were still there yesterday, but they disappeared the next morning.... There was no strength in my body.... There was no physical balance…. I was not able to walk for many months, and my biggest achievement was walking from my apartment to the playground near the house, I couldn't go any further.... My salvation was that it was a global pandemic and everyone was sitting in their homes....

I cried a lot at that time, ahh no, I sobbed and screamed, for the first time in my life I screamed through tears. I just let this pain come out of me, I couldn't hold it in anymore.

My friend told me: "Girl, it's time to finally love yourself and take time for yourself."

I barely found the strength and energy to reach the mirror. I could not look at its reflection, I sobbed. "How can I love myself now, when I am frail and look like a dead person?". I remembered how beautiful I always looked and how beautiful I was in every sense. Tears flowed like a river. "How can I love this? If it turns out that I didn't love myself even when I was a beauty with a perfect body?". Some quiet voice repeated these words: "It's time to love yourself." And I began to learn to accept myself regardless of my appearance, status and roles, stardom and glamour…. I began to learn to love myself truly and unconditionally…. It was very difficult….

At night I did not sleep at all, the "Orwellian" pain did not allow me to live, and there were no pills to help me. Anyone who read "1984" remembers how the main hero in the Ministry of Love was connected to a special device, which was accompanied by unbearable pain in the spine. I felt almost the same night after night.... There was only one wish that everything would stop and I would return to a normal life. But at that time I could not accept the fact that I would never return to the "normal" life I had before... There was no way back... Only forward or standing still, which was a slow death.

I lost all my ambience.

Almost no one left. All my glamorous and loving ambiance burst like a soap bubble. It turned out that nobody needed me when I was sick. I didn't have the energy that everyone was fascinated by, flocking like flies to honey. You understand this is how the world of mass consciousness is built, people call it "energy exchange". In fact, in the spiritual sense, it is completely different - it is a manipulative theft of another person's energy. Pushing certain emotional reactions (both negative and positive), when one person can consciously or subconsciously take away energy from another person. So I began to learn to avoid the habitual reactions in which I lost my energy. It was also difficult. And sometimes I fail again and again, because I am learning, because I am a person. I began to learn to demonstrate my boundaries and not to allow people to cross them. I stopped adapting to other people, trying to please them, inspire, motivate, and win their trust…. People didn't like that. Because it was inconvenient. I suddenly became ill-mannered, rebellious, and constantly in a bad mood for them. They also didn't like that the pain points they used to press and could get exactly what they needed from me, got stuck, and they didn't work anymore. People didn't like that it wasn't quite possible to manipulate me anymore and I became indifferent to them because I saw their true essence. Of course, my old memory still often triggers me to react with offense and emotions. But I'm learning. During this period, I realized that the most important person in my life is me, and my best friend is also me. Yes, I have close people, but they are very few, and I no longer run by the number.

I lost my faith, but as I realized later, I never had it (please do not confuse it with religion!). So I started building and rebuilding my inner faith step by step.

I lost my dreams, thirst for creativity, and passion. For a creative personality, this is tantamount to death. But at that time I did not yet understand that a complete zeroing should take place to start building a new foundation, new values, new pillars, my dreams, my passion, my goals...

I lost the meaning of life. But at that time I also did not understand that my whole meaning in life was focused only on egocentrism. When ego death happened I felt like I died. I began to ask existential questions about the meaning of life, who I am, and death. Later I realized that it was a real death, only not the death of me as a person in a physical body, but the death of the ego that always controlled, manipulated, and motivated me. Our ego knows us better than we know ourselves. And the ego itself can lead into the abyss, the heart will never do this.

I began to see, hear, understand, and feel very clear.... To see clearly, hear clearly, etc. means the ability to separate truth from lies, black from white, illusion from reality. To see clearly when another person lies, manipulates, changes concepts, or uses hidden motives; this applies not only to those whom we see on television or the Internet, it applies to our relatives and friends, partners and colleagues, etc. To see the illusion in which the world and the vast majority of humanity live, and clearly understand the causes and consequences.... But be wise enough to let them all still play their games. And this is difficult. I am constantly working on it. But the most important thing is that I see myself clearly, and at first it was an apocalypse because seeing myself means seeing all my inner demons (my darkness or individual shadows, as Jung said), which I have carefully hidden all my life not only from the outside world, but also from myself, and about which I did not even suspect. I clearly know that I want to get rid of and dissolve, but it is a difficult and a long way - nothing happens in one day. This is an illusion.

I realized who I am and dived into the most secret corners and depths of my Inner World, my Essence, my Soul. I came out of total hibernation not understanding what was happening and for what reason, living in an automatic mode and a complete illusion. I learned much more about the world and life in these four years than in the previous 35 years. I accepted and loved myself and built my foundations, pillars, and values. I gained invaluable experience and wisdom that you cannot get from books, films, programs, or master classes. I went through the meat grinder, in which there was only me, and no one, except me, could help me.

The death of the ego is very painful. And only through the death of the ego, a Person can be reborn. And then step by step, like a small child, this Person begins to walk, talk, and learn about the world and other people and about himself/herself in this world.

And if at the beginning of this path I asked "Why me?" and "For what reason?", now I clearly understand why. A person does not change by his/her own free will, a person begins to change under the influence of very difficult challenges and circumstances, which pushes him/her to go out of his/her comfort zone and forces him/her to transform. This path is thorny and extremely difficult and it is individual for everyone, and not everyone goes through it, but the transformation does not happen, sitting in a comfort zone, it begins to open the door only in the zone of complete discomfort, pain, and suffering. And during this total darkness, a light appears not from outside, but from inside, which simply shines and becomes a signpost for you, and then for others. Enlightenment does not come by sitting in the lotus position and faking enlightenment, real enlightenment comes when you see your inner demons and dissolve them. This is exactly what the Buddha did, but for this, you need to have an iron-clad faith and the intention to change for real. Without faith and inner intention, it will only be a beautiful manipulation. And so for me, this is just the beginning and there will be more and I still need to work very, very hard to change myself, to illuminate my shadows, and let go of what no longer serves me. And I fall down a lot and get up again, fall again, and find the strength to go on again. But I clearly know that it will never be the way it was before, and even more, I don't want it to be like before, because now I stand myself more and many things from my former life became alien to me, but I took a lot in my suitcase with me, because this is my essence. I spent my whole life in service and like Atlantean I carried everything on my little shoulders, thinking that if not me, then who?!?!? I am indeed an Atlantean, but I no longer want to be an Atlantean for anyone else, I want to be an Atlantean just for myself. The world and other people will manage somehow without me because everyone must be responsible for himself/herself and his/her life independently. Now I can only share my experience and thereby help people.

This story reflects only 0.1% of what really happened, what I went through, and what I felt, 99.9% I still keep to myself.

"It will not be the same as before" does not mean that everything will be better or worse, it means that everything will be different, but what energy we put into this difference will directly affect what it will be like.

I wish you all the best, faith, and an unceasing desire to live!!!

June 3, 2023.