Letters to my mom. #1. 40 days....

Today is the 40th day since you passed away. It looks like that only last weeks I ultimately understood that you are not here anymore in this physical reality. For the first days and weeks I was numbed, I thought I was doing pretty ok and very spiritually, and it honestly was, but the truth is also that deeply in my essence everything was frozen and I did not have even time and energy to digest the news.

You were the light. You are the light. You will be the light in the Eternity.

Mom, you know, these last days I wept a lot because I miss your smile, your passion for life, your unconditional love, your life attitude, and your profound belief that everything will be alright. I miss your hugs and kisses, but most of all I miss our talks: spiritual and esoteric, dreamy and childish, girlish and empowering.

You are my hero because despite huge pain you smiled and believed till the last breath, till the last day of your life. When, in the autumn of 2024, you asked the doctor how much longer you had to live, he said something like this: "Taking into account your condition, according to any prognosis and international protocols, you should have died a long time ago, but your faith, thirst, and passion for life are keeping you here. Medicine is powerless now, but your faith is not. You are a phenomenon. We have never met anyone like you before."

You showed me what true life is, through your intimate journey of the way to God, I realized that I did not live before, not before all the challenging processes in my life, and even not after my illness, full-scale invasion in Ukraine, fleeing to Germany and taking care about you. The last months of your life opened new layers of my fears, imperfections and vulnerabilities, stereotypes, and resistance. Looking at you I felt a BIG passion for life, you did not give up a tiny second, you did not betray your values and beliefs, and you stood firmly like a true Warrior even when you already did not have energy and balance in your body.

I realized that in Rehau, Germany, you ultimately found your inner solitude, peace, balance, and joy, you were happy despite external circumstances. You dared not to care what others think of you, or what the society requires from you. You just lived as though your Soul knew these were the last months and years of your life. You became very philosophical and spiritual, silent and thankful. You worked hard on your inner demons and ego and finally in the end you overcame them, you became fully transcendent. You did not share your story, the story of your illness with others, the story of true resilience and courage, but you lived it.

True spirituality is not about Instagramic posts and statements, even meditation and yoga; true spirituality is about being truly alive guided by your heart and not your ego, nourishing happiness, gratitude, love, and compassion amid chaos and death.

You gave birth to two daughters, and we love you so much. We were with you during this journey and non-stop for the last months negotiating and debating with doctors, asking open and challenging questions, showing that we would not accept the status quo, and in some way we together with you cracked the system and showed that not all patients are the same, not all cases are the same, and not all relatives accept the one way out, as there are a lot of ways even during dying process. On behalf of you I would like to thank Sana Klinikum Hof, all doctors, and nurses, especially the palliative department that became your home for a long time, for their patience and acceptance that we are different and we do not give up never, we will fight till the last breath, as this is our Ukrainian DNA. You are the personification of the real Ukraine: brave, resilient, with great strength of spirit and a thirst for life and freedom.

You dreamed of becoming healthy and returning to Ukraine. You dreamed that one day you would share your story and help other people diagnosed with cancer to go through this difficult process. Mom, I will fulfill your dream, and one day I will share your story, but not now, it is too painful and too traumatic.

I wish you were alive. I wish you were not diagnosed with breast cancer. I wish you did not have metastasis. But unfortunately, real life is not a movie, it's not an illusion. Real life is painful and challenging. Real life beats us. Real life awakens us. Real life forces us to change, but in the beautiful and difficult process of change, we should remember that there are things that we can change, and there are things that we cannot change, we can only accept them and allow this new experience to move us forward.

I would like to believe that in the other realms, you feel yourself happy, you can reimagine and recreate everything in this world as you do not have boundaries and limitations. You are in the Eternity. You are Eternity.

Today, when I was walking in the park near Onkopraxis you used to visit, I wept for forty minutes, but then I saw and felt you; firstly in the drops of rain that touched my face, then in the power of the wind that played with my hair, and ultimately with the rays of the sun that pleasantly warmed my cheeks.

Thank you, mom, for giving me birth and teaching me how to be a human, that is the most import asset and skill in life. I will write you letter, some of them I will publish, but some of them I will send to you directly to the Eternity.

For those who read it till the end: take care of yourself and your relatives, make regular check-ups, tell your loved ones and relatives that you love them or that you feel angry, or guilty, or whatever, do not keep it in your heart all your life, take new steps, make different choices, do not listen to others, you are not others, you are you, just live your life, not pretend that you are living; and when you live your life, you will accept death at the end with dignity and without any regrets.