Book Review "A Matter of Death and Life" by Irvin D. Yalom and Marilyn Yalom

My mom died on 31st January 2025, it was a difficult journey for her as well as for me, my sister, and my father. I knew I needed to find books, films, communities, people, and therapies that would help me to overcome and go through the process of grief and accept the process of death. I read "When Nietzsche Wept" written by Irvin D. Yalom and I knew he wrote two books dedicated to death, so as I appreciate this writer I decided to read "A Matter of Death and Life".

Overview

"A Matter of Death and Life" is a deeply personal memoir written by a renowned and famous existential psychiatrist and psychotherapist Irvin D. Yalom together with his wife, a respected historian, Marilyn Yalom. The book reveals their mutual journey through Marilyn’s terminal illness (cancer) and the emotional, philosophical, and psychological struggles they face together.

Synopsis

The memoir is structured as a storytelling process from two different persons about one life-challenging situation: a wife with terminated illness who is ready to accept death with dignity, and a husband a well-known psychiatrist despite his lifetime of helping others confront death anxiety, finds himself struggling with the reality of losing his life partner. The book captures their final months together, offering raw reflections on mortality, grief, and the nature of long-term love.

After Marilyn’s passing, the book shifts to Irvin’s solitary reflections, as he navigates grief, loneliness, and the challenge of continuing life without his wife after 65 years living together.

Key Insights

1. The Power of Love in Facing Death – The book is, at its core, a love story.

2. Philosophical and Psychological Approaches to Dying – Marilyn approaches death with remarkable acceptance, while Irvin resists and fights despite his scientific knowledge and long-life practice.

3. Grief as a Universal Experience – We cannot skip the process of grief, it is an inevitable process of loss, as well as death is an inevitable process of life.

4. The Importance of Open Conversations About Death – Their open discussions and sharings can motivate and inspire others, as well as show how it is important to speak about death and to accept it as a natural process of human existence.

   
   

Recommendation

I recommend this book for those interested in existential philosophy, and psychology, but more importantly to people who are now in the process of the death of loved ones or themselves, grieving, and caregiving.

Ultimately, this book is a powerful testament to love, the inevitability of loss, and the challenge of continuing life awakening in the process of dark grief.

Conclusions

With gratitude to Marilyn and Irvin for sharing their experience, I am happy to find this book at the most challenging time in my life. I wish I had read this book earlier. 

I realized due to this book and reflections on the last five years of my life that everything I had before was a preparation for this particular moment - the process of death and death itself of my beloved mom, and living without her. Looking at the behavior of a well-known psychiatrist who cured anxiety and helped patients to go through grief I can conclude that I behaved very well, as I did not have a degree in medicine, I did know nothing about diagnosis, cancer, metastasis, grief, death, drugs, opioids, etc, but I navigated this process naturally.