24.02.2023.

During the year that started on February 24th, 2022, I wrote 130,000 words (not signs), I didn't publish them anywhere or show anyone, and that's about 260 A4 pages. It was my only salvation during the full-scale invasion of Ukraine, my therapeutic writing, my notes of memories, emotions, and feelings, my anger and rage, my pain and suffering, my conclusions and re-awareness, my insights and revelations.

I walked a lot outside, continued to practice breathing and meditation, and paid attention to my thoughts, actions, and reactions. I cried a lot, fell into an emotional pit got up again, took a deep breath exhaled, and went on. I dived a lot into my inner world and continued to study myself and the world, various spiritual practices, etc.

I came to Germany at the beginning of March 2022 completely broken and mutilated, I hardly spoke and did not see anyone for almost the first six months. I weighed 45 kg, which was not enough even for my height, and my face was swollen as if it had been pumped with something. I didn't look in the mirror for three or four months, I didn't care. When I took a photo on the aufenthaltstitel and saw myself, I was scared, I couldn't understand who it was. Due to severe stress, my body began to fail again and I was hospitalized three times in Germany, I underwent three operations that were not life-threatening, but nevertheless.

The first time I realized that life was there, it didn't stop for everyone, was when I went to Paris for a few days at the end of August just to switch and refocus. I saw that life existed, I even felt that I was alive, I started to feel something besides pain and constant dizziness. I managed to breathe in that "Parisian life" and tried to keep it in my cells as long as possible. But no. Those memories and pain constantly made their way out, obscuring the sprouts of breath, of life.

In September, for the first time, I started working from the office and not from home and more or less communicating. It seemed to me that I came from another planet and was unaware of how people live here on Earth. I am very grateful to my German colleagues, who constantly helped me and tried to integrate me into society so that I felt not only physically safe but also like a member of society. In December, my colleague from HR said that I looked much better because, during the first months of my arrival, it was difficult for her even to look at me without tears.

Even in my worst dreams and negative thoughts, I could not imagine that I would witness the war, become a part of it, I would go through this painful and traumatic experience. But it is a grand experience that sculpts something completely new inside through pain and suffering.

February 24, 2023.